It’s The Oprah Winfrey Show. The camera focuses in. Oprah’s head bobs back and forth. If you look closely, it almost seems there are cords rising above Oprah’s oddly slumped form, but maybe it’s just a trick of the light. She smiles at the crowd, a toothy smile that seems stiff and unchanging. The crowd applauds. The camera pans out. In the background, some of the crowd can be seen. Their heads also bob back and forth, but there is one head that stands out for it doesn’t move at all. This person has a sickly yellow tint to his skin. Is it just the bright lighting? And is that a Nazi uniform he is wearing?
This is all happening on the t.v. screen in a couple’s bedroom. The husband sits quietly on his side of the bed. He thinks to himself that he’d like to have sex before going to sleep, but his wife is busy on her side of the bed. She is working on some needlework or something stupid like that. And she won’t let him watch anything else even though she has this episode recorded. Their child is in the room next to theirs quietly asleep or so they think. Unheard against the noise of Oprah and her crowd, the window in the child’s room slides open. Moments later, the window slides shut again. Whatever it is that is now in the child’s bed is most definitely not the child.
This must be the work of J.K. Rowling.
But I shouldn’t get ahead of myself. Let me explain how this all came about.
Certain Christians had noted the subliminal messages that had been appearing regularly in the Harry Potter books, but no one believed them. Although these wary Christians were correct that a covert plan was in place, they were wrong about it’s purposes. Just because Rowling wrote about witches and wizards, didn’t mean she was doing the devil’s work. In fact, she was working for a disembodied spirit which was neither a demon nor any other minion of the devil. At first, Rowling merely noticed odd thoughts and images appearing in her mind, but slowly she recognized that a voice was speaking to her. She listened to the voice and she came to know that it was the voice of Jiddu Krishnamurti. He explained everything to her and she understood what she had to do.
Now, after the years of subliminally influencing the world’s children, she had stolen Santa’s sleigh (it’s a long story… Santa is splayed on the bed with his arms and legs tied to the posts. “You said you loved me.” Rowling momentarily turns towards him before walking out the door. “Yes, I do love you. Everyone loves Santa. But I don’t love you like that.”) She felt bad about stealing Santa’s sleigh, but it was necessary. She also needed his magical toy sack. She had dumped out all of the toys and it took her awhile to gather up Santa’s little helpers and stuff them in. The elves were fast, but they’re mindless little creatures. With Harry Potter’s help she was able to round up a few thousand of them. Before setting out on her magical sleigh ride, she had Harry flash the secret signal. A large lightning bolt appeared in the sky. Children across the world awoke and silently slipped to their windows opening them. With Santa’s magic sleigh, it took no time at all. She gathered up all of the children and in each of their places she put an elf. Meanwhile, Harry put a spell on the parents so they would think the elves were their children, but it probably wasn’t necessary as Muggles are rather oblivious to anything outside the normal.
Few know that it’s Jiddu Krishnamurti who was the inspiration for the character Dumbledore, but it’s not so surprising once you realize how Dumbledore is truly the most powerful wizard. Jiddu was as a child prepared for the role of world teacher by the Theosophists in India. He later on declined to fulfill this mission. However, he came to realize that he couldn’t avoid his fate forever. Even in death, his fate had to be fulfilled. And so his soul stuck in limbo was unable to ascend. He had waited in that state for many years until he sensed a disturbance in the force. He used his Jedi skills to sense the cause and what he sensed was the dark side. But who was behind it? Was it a Sith or was it Sauron or was it something even darker? He wondered if it was possible that his old nemesis had returned. But how could U.G. Krishnamurti be back in the world. During his life U.G. had been known as the anti-Krishnamurti, but now was he returning as the anti-Christ? This could not bode well for the world. If he had returned, it was a great sorcerer who conjured such a feat. Who else could it be but Aleister Crowley, “The Beast” himself? Who ever it might be, he was hiding his powers well for Jiddu couldn’t sense anything clearly. He only knew that he must discover what nefarious scheme was unfolding. But he was stuck in limbo. How would he warn the world? That was when he began through great effort to implant ideas into an unemployed mother. She would be the vessel for his plan. She would write children’s stories.
Jiddu’s intuition was correct. It was Crowley behind it all and Crowley indeed had resurrected the anti-Krishnamurti. Crowley was still angry about Jiddu having been prepared for the role of World Teacher. Everyone knew that Crowley had true power, but at the time Jiddu was just some snotty little kid. Jiddu was a joke and then he dismisses it all as if it meant nothing. Crowley would have his vengeance and the world would know his greatness. Crowley too had waited for years in the shadows of limbo, but unlike Jiddu he did so by his own choice. He was waiting for his opportunity and now the time had arrived. A fiction writer by the name of Thomas Ligotti had a mind darkened from years of despair. It was easy for Crowley to nudge Ligotti’s natural tendencies towards even darker thoughts. Crowley slowly took form in Ligotti’s mind. At first, he was only a shadow, a darkness at the edge of the writer’s awareness. Crowley didn’t want to be noticed for it would be easier to accomplish his evil deeds if he remained a whisper barely heard. He gently led the writer’s mind to the works of U.G. Krishnamurti. The seed was planted. In the body of Ligotti, he would bring back the soul of the anti-Krishnamurti. A small press writer such as this would make for the perfect tool. No one would even notice the subtle changes in his personality. No one would put up a great fuss when he stopped writing his dark tales. The mind of Ligotti was needed for greater visions.
Yes, Crowley’s visions were great and resurrecting the anti-Krishnamurti was just the beginning. Ligotti was mostly unknown in the world, but the Beast would make him quite the successful organism. It took only a small effort to get Oprah to interview Cormac McCarthy, but it would take a more powerful intervention to get Ligotti on the show. Before that could be accomplished he had to awaken his army of Nazi zombies. Their corpses were entombed in a U-boat on the ocean floor. It was actually much more difficult to manipulate the flesh of the dead than the flesh of the living, but ultimately a body was a body, just a meat puppet waiting for its strings to be pulled. He released his army of Nazi zombies from their tomb and he marched them across the ocean to the shore of America. Once upon dry land, his army wreaked havoc. They killed everyone in their path and those who hadn’t been entirely ripped apart themselves became zombies. But no one noticed and there were no news flashes, no military response. People once bitten by a zombie continue on as they were before… mowing their lawns, walking their dogs, going to work. In fact, they become superior organisms without the disease that is the mind.
Crowley thought it might be tricky placing one of the Nazi zombies onto the Oprah show, but it turned out her whole audience was basically already zombified. He had his Nazi zombie infiltrator sneak into her dressing room and lie in wait. Once bitten, she of course continued on as before, but there were certain differences that an intelligent observer might notice if they accidentally turned on her show while flipping through the channels. For one, she lost all of her excess weight and actually kept it off. She found her hunger for empty calories was gone and now there was just an emptiness inside her, an emptiness that couldn’t be filled… she was the emptiness and the emptiness was a shadow, a darkness. Shortly after this, all of Ligotti’s books appeared in her mailbox. They were just horror stories which everyone knows are the lowest of the low, but somehow they spoke to her. Ligotti’s stories, you might say, got under her skin. The next time she saw Dr. Phil, after biting him, she introduced him to the work of Ligotti. The disease of his own mind having been replaced with the shadow, the darkness, he too found these horror stories strangely alluring. Also, Phil’s counseling became even more effective as he dispensed with words and simply started biting those seeking his help.
In this way, a new phase in Oprah’s career began. Her show took on new life. And Crowley’s scheme was now in full force. Would Jiddu Krishnamurti be able to stop him? One would think an army of children, even if led by Harry Potter himself, would be no match for an army of Nazi zombies and the minions of the Oprah show… but it’s easy to forget how vicious little children can be. The Nazi zombie army was decimated easily. However, Oprah’s followers were larger in number and many of them escaped. Afterwards, Rowling returned the children to their houses and returned the elves to Santa. As parents watched Oprah, their sweet little children snuck up behind them and slit their throats. Unfortunately, many of Oprah’s followers were pathetic losers who lived alone and so had no children. The war would have to continue for many years to come. Meanwhile, Oprah would be able to help many more people to become successful organisms. Some of the children fearing what would become of them when they grew up decided drastic measures were in order. The children made their way to small towns all over the Midwest. Meeting secretly in cornfields, they formed their new religion. They became called the Children of the Corn. Other children who were less fond of corn managed to escape into Never Never Land where it is said that they have continued their fight but now they battle with pirates… it’s unkown if these are zombie pirates or just the regular kind.
Even these many years later, quite a few people still wonder what became of Ligotti. During the great war, he had faced Harry Potter in battle. It’s true that Ligotti was no great sorcerer, but he was possessed by the soul of the anti-Krishnamurti which wasn’t something to be easily defeated. Witnesses claim that all they saw were great flashes of light and then Harry Potter was standing alone. Some say they saw the form of Dumbledore moments before this, but others say he is merely a fictional character from a story. Whatever may be the case, when it all ended, Harry Potter stood by himself with his famous wand in hand. Some believe that Ligotti merely retreated to some secret lair where he may or may not be writing new fiction stories as we speak. Others claim that he simply dissipated his form and merged into the shadow, the darkness that Oprah is now always preaching about. However, it’s small satisfaction for Ligotti’s loyal fans to have his words live on in the voice of Oprah. They wait… their only hope being that one day their dark lord will return. But Harry Potter waits as well training a new generation of wizards in the cornfields of Iowa. Others look even further into the future and they wait for a great prophet who will be born of a virgin in these very lands of Iowa. They say his name will be James T. Skywalker and that the force will be strong with him. They say he will lead us all to the stars. The fans of Ligotti, however, say that there is no escape, that the darkness, the shadow will follow us even into the vacuum of outerspace.