How to be Successful

Do you want to be filthy rich and powerful beyond your wildest dreams?

There is a simple formula.  Just follow as many of these basic rules as you can and you’re guaranteed to become unbelievably successful.

• Be a white (non-hispanic caucasian) male
• Be born into wealth and power with plenty of advantages and opportunities (old money and royal blood is helpful).
• Have many immediate and extended family members in positions of private and political influence.
• Be born and raised in a powerful industrial nation.
• Be born in the Fall with September being optimal, but don’t overshoot and get born in the Winter.
• Be sure to be born to parents with a genetic predisposition for mathematic skills.
• Be born with and develop early in life specific personality traits.
• Have a healthy mother who exercises, who eats nutritional foods, who doesn’t drink, and who breastfeeds you.
• Don’t be born in the inner city or other places with heavy pollution.
• Be your parent’s first child and encourage your parents to make you some siblings but not too many if your family is poor.
• Have a tall symmetrical body and generally be physically attractive according to both biological standards and Western ideals.
• Have a precocious sense of ambition and intelligence.
• Get a M.B.A. and make sure you get your master’s degree from an Ivy League school.
• If you go to Yale, try to get accepted by the Skull and Bones which has the most exclusive membership in the world.
• After college, get a job with Goldman Sachs.
• Plan on having a major professional setback early in your career to create a proper sense of fear of failure that will haunt you for the rest of your life.

If you find it difficult following these simple guidelines, there are two other options.

• Get adopted by parents who fit the above descriptions.
• Marry someone who fits the above descriptions.

(sources: here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here)