How to be Successful

Do you want to be filthy rich and powerful beyond your wildest dreams?

There is a simple formula.  Just follow as many of these basic rules as you can and you’re guaranteed to become unbelievably successful.

  • Be a white (non-hispanic caucasian) male
  • Be born into wealth and power with plenty of advantages and opportunities (old money and royal blood is helpful).
  • Have many immediate and extended family members in positions of private and political influence.
  • Be born and raised in a powerful industrial nation.
  • Be born in the Fall with September being optimal, but don’t overshoot and get born in the Winter.
  • Be sure to be born to parents with a genetic predisposition for mathematic skills.
  • Be born with and develop early in life specific personality traits.
  • Have a healthy mother who exercises, who eats nutritional foods, who doesn’t drink, and who breastfeeds you.
  • Don’t be born in the inner city or other places with heavy pollution.
  • Be your parent’s first child and encourage your parents to make you some siblings but not too many if your family is poor.
  • Have a tall symmetrical body and generally be physically attractive according to both biological standards and Western ideals.
  • Have a precocious sense of ambition and intelligence.
  • Get a M.B.A. and make sure you get your master’s degree from an Ivy League school.
  • If you go to Yale, try to get accepted by the Skull and Bones which has the most exclusive membership in the world.
  • After college, get a job with Goldman Sachs.
  • Plan on having a major professional setback early in your career to create a proper sense of fear of failure that will haunt you for the rest of your life.

If you find it difficult following these simple guidelines, there are two other options.

  • Get adopted by parents who fit the above descriptions.
  • Marry someone who fits the above descriptions.

(sources: herehere, herehere, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, herehere, here, here, here, here, here, hereherehere, here, here, here, here, here, herehere, and here)

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