I just want to live my own life and do my own thing.

Here is something I wrote a while back, but never got around to posting.  It’s very personal and it’s partly just me venting.  I don’t always feel this way.  I do care about my family and feel relatively close to them.  Still, I’m uncertain what I want or can realistically expect from family.  Since writing the below comments, my parents have moved back to the town I live in.  But I’m not sure how much that changes things.  I feel that with 20 years of long distance relating there just has been an opportunity lost and I don’t know if it can be regained.  I know that maybe from an objective standpoint I shouldn’t be so critical of others, but when I’m really depressed this is just how I feel.  So, this is me being emotionally honest.

 – – –

This post is more personal than what I’ve recently been writing about.  I’ve been feeling somewhat disconnected lately or rather I’ve been feeling more disconnected.  It’s partly just depression, but it goes beyond that.

On the personal level, I’ve had a growing sense of disconnection in the past 5 or so years. 

An aspect of it was that my oldest brother moved away seeking a career and then my second oldest brother moved away because of family.  As the years have gone by, my connection with them has grown less and less.  They both have their own lives and family seems secondary.  I understand that and I’m not blaming them.  I used to be angry at my second oldest brother because he started becoming distant as soon as he married and his wife was jealous of the close relationship we had at the time.  I still have some bitterness towards her, but now I mostly feel indifferent.  Whatever connection I had with him is mostly gone and isn’t likely to ever return. 

Added to this is the fact that my parents have lived halfway across the country (in South Carolina) for the last 20 years.  I’m living in the Midwest which is where my parents are from.  We moved around a fair amount growing up and the reason was mostly for my dad’s career.  That is how they ended up in SC.  Talking on the phone and seeing them a couple times a year doesn’t really create a close bond.  I feel like I barely know anyone in my family anymore.  Years of distance aren’t easily bridged.

Another aspect of it was that a few years ago I was trying hard to connect.  I dated some at the time.  Despite my serious intentions, I seemed to meet women who either were unable or unwilling to commit.  I also made a new friend around that time.  I connected well with him in many ways, but it became clear that he didn’t fundamentally understand me.  I realize fundamental understanding is rare.  I have another friend who is from my childhood and we have a very strong connection.  I suspect most people go their whole lives without ever having a deep connection of any sort.

This brings me to the less personal level.  My depression makes me very sensitive to all of this, but my experience doesn’t appear to be atypical.  People seeking careers and constantly moving around is quite normal as far as I can tell.  My second oldest brother’s lifestyle also seems normal.  He got married and had some kids.  His immediate family became his life and everything he does revolves around it.  This isn’t how traditional cultures worked.  People didn’t move around that much, and so one’s immediate community and extended family were as much a part one’s everyday sense of family. 

However, America was built on a very transitory lifestyle that demanded a more transitory style of relating.  The conservative ideal of family values focuses solely on the immediate family and this is the social structure of our society.  The immediate family is required to be the glue that holds all of society together.  Sadly, it isn’t capable of serving such a function on its own.  Older people still remember a time of community and extended family.  For instance, my parents grew up amidst close relationships of family and neighbors.  My parents are of the generation that helped put the nail in the coffin of America’s dying sense of community, but what they don’t realize is that the idealization of the immediate family was the very nail.  Of course, it began before that generation.  I only point them out as they like to blame the younger generations for the problems they helped create.

My not being married basically means I don’t even have an immediate family to feel a connection with.  I grew up with little connectioin to extended family and have lost my connection to my immediate family.  My main connection in life are my cats and my one good friend.  In the process, I’ve also given up on any notion of being a part of a community  It feels like our whole society is in a stage of change.  If our society is to avoid collapse, then a new structure of family and community will have to form, but that is for the future to decide.  I’m not hopeful about it… certainly not in my lifetime.

Back to my personal experience… basically,  I feel apathetic about it all.  I don’t feel like trying anymore.  I don’t feel like trying to connect.  I really just don’t care about the superficial relationships that have developed between my family and myself.  I hate superficial relationships.  This brings me to a deeper factor.  My family has changed, but more importantly I’ve changed.  There just isn’t much that I have in common with my parents or with my brothers… other than distant memories.  The subjects I spend my time studying are of practically no interest to most everyone I know.  Also, my personal life is in an entirely different reality from the personal lives of my family. 

I have to admit that I really don’t care about what is going on with my family.  There is no connection there that would lead to me to caring.  I just want to live my own life and do my own thing.  Life could’ve been different, but this is how life has turned out.  Family only feels like a burden I’d rather be free from.  I’m tired of pretending that I care about them, and they don’t know me well enough to really care about me.  There simply is not much connection there.  It’s a simple fact.  I can either accept it or not, but it doesn’t change the way things are.  Anyways, my family apparently is content with the way things are or else it wouldn’t have turned out this way.

Besides depression, there is another reason this is on my mind.  I was talking to someone about the suffering that is life and why people choose to bring children into this world.  It’s certainly not for the sake of the child.  The child has no choice in the matter, and when that child grows up they very well might resent having been brought into the world.  So, this got me thinking about my own parents.  My parents intended to only have three children and I’m my mom’s fourth pregnancy.  It’s arbitrary that the child before me was stillborn.  The main reason my parents tried for three children was that my mom wanted a daughter.  As I’m of the male gender, I’ve mostly failed in being a good daughter.  Anyways, there are only two reasons that any person has a child.  First, it’s a biological urge which is largely outside of conscious control.  We’re animals and we do what animals do.  Secondly, to the degree a person does make a choice, it’s entirely projection.  The parent has their hopes and expectations.  If people were capable of making purely rational and objective choices, then there’d probably be very few children if any children at all.

So, I’ve thought many times in life I’d rather not have been born.  My reason for existing in the first place are because of the biological urges and psychological projections of my parents.  Those are the reasons for my existence and I really don’t care about either of them.  I don’t feel the desire to follow my biological urges and be a good evolutionary agent of the species.  Nor do I feel any desire to live up to my parents expectations.  When I really think about it, there isn’t much point to my existence which isn’t to say that I want to kill myself.  I do at times have a deeper sense of meaning and even occasionally I have a sense of purpose.  That said, life in and of itself seems pointless.

I don’t want to play the game.  I don’t want to be a good son, a good brother, or a good citizen.  There must be more to life than that.

26 thoughts on “I just want to live my own life and do my own thing.

  1. Well you’re spot on that it’s our animalistic urge to reproduce. Hence, a lot of people popping out kids they can’t care for cause sexxxxx is pleasureable (because it produces kids) Yes, this world sucks, but we just really want to reproduce, you know?

    You of all people know how, it seems like most people, I don’t assign any sentimental value to parental love or childbirth. At least, biological kids. Adoptive families I admire more.

    Being a kid of immigrants I suppose the transitory and nuclear, American model kind of interests me, and it slightly foreign. I have the same desires to explore and see the world, mind you. But I can’t imagine starting a life of nuclear family-dom and everything else is distant and far away. I always imagine, being basically asexual, I end up a single mom through sperm donor or adoption and living close to my folks (my only family in this nation really) as I’m siblingless. And making close friends. I also figure I may like living in a morer close-knit community, say, a family collective. I’m interested in family, just not in the American nuclear sense.

    • I had mostly forgotten about this post, until the Roberto person left their garbled comment.

      It is interesting to read this now. My parents have been living here for quite a few years now. I have reconnected with them, which is nice. I even have reconnected with a sense of my place in this community, to some extent. It really sucks to feel disconnected, the most horrific fate for a member of a highly social species.

      Still, the basic sentiments of this post remain true. I’m not glad to have been born. The only compensation for living in a world of suffering is that I have an immensely curious mind. I see all of life as a vast experiment, and I’d like to see how events play out in my small corner of existence. But even this curiosity isn’t exactly a blessing. It just keeps me going, amidst all the despair.

      Depression has beat me down so much. I’m a survivor, but that is about it. When I was younger, I longed to be normal. It was such a simple desire, to just fit in and do what others do. My parents and brothers mostly have lived their lives… have steady jobs or even careers, got married, had kids, have lives filled with mundane everyday responsibilities, and on and on. I doubt anyone in my family besides myself has ever wished they were never born.

      Death is always on my mind. Usually, it’s in the background of my thoughts. But always there. I’m not a functional person, to any great extent, beyond holding down a job and even that not at full time. Life is a game, a not very fun game, and I’d like to quit playing.

      It’s funny that it is only because I’ve experienced serious suicidal episodes that I fully understand how strong is the impulse for life, a non-rational biological urge that trumps nearly all else. It is really hard to kill yourself. The average suicidal death takes 8 attempts before success. Jeez! That is a lot of times trying for something that outwardly seems so simple, just dying.

      There ya go. That is your happy thought for the day. That will end our Monday morning lesson on philosophical pessimism.

      • They are social democracies, with strong socialist elements. They have highly socialized education systems, healthcare systems, social safety nets, etc. People are happy because all their basic needs are taken care of.

        It reminds me of the rat park research. It is a simple insight that goes back to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. If you want well functioning individuals in a well functioning society, then you ensure all basic needs are taken care of to an optimal degree. Then people can worry about more important things that involve happiness and life satisfaction.

        It’s common sense.

        • On the black americans leaving America, sometimes I contemplate at least temporarily moving to a social democracy. More because I will likely be a single working mom, than race, but yeah. America kind of sucks to for women in the mom vs work thing. Not to mention, relative to other western nations, America is shittier for women (more restricting)

  2. I know there are times in life where you just feel like giving up because it all seems hopeless, and you don’t even know how you’ll make it through tomorrow. I was depressed many years ago, and didn’t realize it until I was suicidal. To make a long story short, I made it out of my abyss. I changed my perspective and started being more open-minded. I often wonder what my purpose is on this earth, or how long it will take for me to find it. It’s a bittersweet moment when other people feel the same way I do, because I’m not alone, but they are going through a similar situation as me. I’m sorry you feel disconnected from your family. I have a lot of family here in New York, but we’re not close. We mainly keep to ourselves. I have no friends not only because I’m used to being alone, but because when I have opened up and tried to make friends it just never works out (for various reasons, either they move, or we never meet again). I don’t feel that deeper connection to others that you mentioned with the people around me or young adults of my age, either. I don’t feel lonely, I’ve just learned I’m just not meant to hang out with people. It saddened me when I read that you think there is no point to your existence. I used to be in that same frame of mind, I thought I was just taking up space on this earth that someone worthier could have taken. But that’s wrong. You and I are here for a reason. We just need to hold on and continue to move forward and find out what it is. It could be something great and wonderful, but you will never know if you stop trying. I agree with you that there has to be more to this life than just being born, growing up, getting a job, maybe starting a family, getting old and then dying. It’s about the experience and the choices you will make. I have so much life ahead of me, and you do, too. Don’t give up. And remember that you’re not alone in your struggle. We’ll find a way 🙂

    • Thanks for the kind thoughts. You don’t need to worry too much about me. It seems I’m a survivor, at least so far. Life isn’t always so bad. Besides reconnecting with family in recent years, I still hang out on a weekly basis with a close childhood friend. As for purpose, I suppose my reading and writing is what keeps me going. I love learning and sharing what I learn, even as the ignorance and lack of curiosity of so many people frustrates me. If not for my curiosity, I’d have given up long ago. Curiosity keeps me interested in life.

      • I’m glad to here you are doing better and are closer to your family. I’m a pretty curious person, too. I’ve gotten in trouble for it many times, but I just can’t help it. I love learning, even though I realize there are many things in life I’m not meant to know, and I’m OK with that. I used to write more, but I’ve found that now that I have begun to let my emotions run their course instead of suppressing them, I don’t feel the need to do it as much. Hope everything positive in your life continues to motivate you to move forward.

  3. Hi Ben,
    Thanks for putting into words and expressing so eloquently experiences that mimic my own. Early on I realized “the game” people play in their attempts to feel better about themselves (often at the expense of others) and to get ahead in life (also often at the expense of others). As someone who has consciously chosen not to “play the game”, I feel isolated in a world inundated with people incapable of intellectual honesty, emotional intelligence and humility.
    There’s a lyricism to your writing that really comes along once every few generations and I find myself interested in exchanging ideas with you as I often come across concepts, issues and esoteric perspectives I wish to explore outside the vacuum of my own mind. Enlightened individuals are hard to come by these days and I would welcome an opportunity to exchange thoughts with one.

    • Hello Jamey,

      It is interesting to see responses to my older posts. This one is from 7 years ago now. I really was in a different place at the time. Life changes, even as much remains the same.

      There have been a number of periods of my life where I felt severely disconnected. It’s not a good feeling. I always feel it to some extent, maybe just because of depression, but I suspect there is more to it than that. There is something about our society that contributes to it.

      I’m glad my writing spoke to you. That is why I write. I want to communicate, to connect. I’m always open to exchange of thoughts. That is what I love about the internet. I’ve met many interesting people through blogging and social media.

  4. Hi Ben,

    I find I can be rather anachronistic when it comes to Internet time as my affinity for reflection and rumination seems to be an enigmatic algorithm to developers and designers of the digital ether. As Kahneman might theorize it may have something to do with my predilections for the slower cognitive track, which wishes to subconsciously express my disdain for modernity’s ubiquitous proselytizing of instantaneous gratification. I think it also says much about the timelessness of your writing in an age where classicism is considered atavistic. I am doubtful much of what has been created in my lifetime will stand the test of time.

    I feel like disconnection is sometimes the only way to cope with the status quo and social norms of modern society. If what our culture honors and values were more enlightened, there would be potential redemption for my faith in humanity. Alas, the contempt against reason, intelligence, courtesy, humility and respectability I encounter, almost on a daily basis, has become much worse as I’ve aged. Often disappointed in my endeavors to restore my faith in humanity, the redemption I hope for precipitates to perdition.

    An exchange of thoughts would be most welcomed and appreciated. I hate to ask, as I do wish to be respectful of your privacy, but would it be possible to communicate offline via email? I ask this mainly because writing (and words in general) are things of value to me and I am often reluctant to share my words in an open forum with people whom I have not yet establish some sense of trust. It’s not that I do not want to share my writing with others (as it may benefit them as well) but I find open public forums a more difficult medium in which to revere the dying art of conversation. I also think good writing comes at a cost where people can often feel like they’ve put a bit of themselves into their words, which is why I sometimes find writing difficult and exhausting especially for a public audience.

    Only water from the oldest and deepest wells can quench the thirst in the empty souls of men and women.
    How strange such wells should be found in the harshest and most desolate arid places.
    And from these wells we draw water to share with the desert.

    • Your attitude about the internet, I do understand it.

      I grew up reading physical books. And I still enjoy the slow, plodding pace of being full immersed, whether fiction or non-fiction. A book is just a book and nothing else. There is no video that goes with it and no hyperlinks in the text, unless maybe if you’re using one of those newfangled e-reading devices.

      On the other hand, it would seem I’m quite different in another way. My mind has always been a mess. Even in reading physical books, I have a hard time keeping it linear. I jump around in a book, often by reading the conclusion first and working back to the beginning or else randomly reading whatever catches my fancy. And I can rarely stay focused on a single book. I’m presently in the middle of reading about a thousand books.

      When I met the nefarious internet, I was like Barney the first time he had a Duff beer:

      The internet works like my brain. For an INFP, the internet is the playground of extraverted intuition (even moreso for an ENFP, as this is their dominant mode). A thousand possibilities and paths. Link-hopping into eternity. It was how my brain always worked, but before the internet there was no media that worked the same way. I don’t know if you’re familiar with Myers-Briggs typology and the function-attitudes. Extraverted intuition is the crack-rock of curiosity and the internet is my dealer. There are a number of my posts that are created by internet binging followed by mental spewing, after which I try to give it a more pleasing or sensible form.

      Maybe you don’t suffer from extraverted intuition. Let me tell ya, it’s quite the experience. It can drive you bonkers, if you’re not careful. Maybe that is what depression is partly about for me, forcing my mind into disconnection and shutdown mode. Like you, I can find writing exhausting, but I feel compelled to write, nonetheless.

      I’m all game for whatever kind of dialogue you’d care to participate in. Email is fine and dandy. You can leave your email address in a comment where it will be in moderation and so no one else will see it. After getting it, I’ll simply delete the comment. We can go from there.

      • Hi Ben,

        Thanks for understanding and your willingness to consider exchanging emails. Establishing proper protocols between strangers can be rather apprehensive these days, e.g. not knowing what others expect, what their level of maturity, sophistication, interpersonal and communication skills are, what their motives maybe, etc. I have mixed feeling about the old aphorism “Trust is earned, not given”. On the one hand, I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. On the other hand, that believe has led to a myriad of bad experiences, not due to credulity but the systemic abuse of trust, which is the fabric of civil society. Sadly, there are many out there who function within a “parasitic” as oppose to a “symbiotic” paradigm of behavior, which is best avoided as much as possible. This is made all the more complicated by people’s backgrounds, upbringing, culture, methods of communication. This is one of the reason why I find words so important. I feel you can tell much about an individual by how wisely and deliberately they choose their words. Having said that, human language is a clumsy tool wield by an lumbering ogre in a fine china shop at best, and there are always at least two dimension of failure (listener and speaker) which can exponentially complicate matters. I guess that is why writing can often seem a more civil. And there is definitely a strong correlation between quality of writing and the more archaic the analog writing is (i.e. the more time and effort it takes to write what is being written).

        With regards to reading, I myself have to admit I have never in my life finished a book from beginning to end. I am also a person who tends to read the last chapter first and then randomly pick sections to suit my curiosity. To me digression and non sequitur are not things to be frowned upon. Those who disparage non-linear thinking are close-minded, myopic people. There is abundant scientific evidence to suggest the human brain did not evolve and does not function in linear ways.

        As to Barney, I am fondly familiar with the clip you are referring to along with others such as the following:

        The Simpsons was surprisingly insightful for a period of time. To quote Homer, “…reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit.” As one of the few multi-generational programs, it was interesting to watch its diminish over the years. I find The Onion can be surprisingly insightful at times as well. Isn’t it ironic you can find better writing in cartoons and satire than you can in modern journalism?

        Sorry to say I am not familiar with extroverted intuition. Unfortunately, I’ve had negative experiences with psychology and have come to distrust the field and the industries associated with it. There’s good psychology out there but there is just an overwhelming amount of “bad psychology” that is driven by profiteering big pharma and self-help charlatans, which is unfortunate since I consider mental health to be just as important as physical and spiritual health.

        As for the exchange of thoughts, I was thinking something along the lines of “concept of the week” as an exchange of what is discovered in our Internet binges of “crack-rock” curiosity. Let me know what you think.

        I could see the truth of what you said about depression being a symptom of forcing your mind into disconnection and shut-down mode. I could certainly relate to that myself. Could it also be (not implying but just wondering) asymptomatic of pathology and more a symptom of a dysfunctional society? The reason I say that is because I feel too often individuals like ourselves are blamed when in reality the systems in which we are forced to operate are the true culprits. I know this may sounds like self-justification but there is an overwhelming body of evidence that systems of governance, monetary policy, housing, environment, social behavior, food/nutrition, etc. are broken beyond repair. I know I’m preaching to the choir, Ben, but I find it irksome when people (family members in particular) try to make me sounds like the issue when I’m dealing with the consequences of broken corrupt systems. Speaking of which “By What Right (quo warranto)” is the best blog posting I have ever read. And I feel like I can say this even as someone who does not like hyperbole 🙂

        I sit upon a rock at a crossroad of my journey staring at the postmarks along the roads.
        A star twinkles in the twilight sky as the sleepy sun greets the evening calm.
        Travelers rush to find their way as the day light turns to evening dark.
        Some throw sticks. Other flip a coin to lead the way. Time is the enemy.
        And there I sit pondering letting the moment pass into eternity.

        • I tend to trust people. We supposedly live in a civil society, after all. But there are degrees of trust. Even though I can be anti-social, I’m not a misanthrope. I suppose I actually like humans, in my own way. They are fascinating, if a bit peculiar, creatures.

          I used to watch Simpsons on a regular basis. That was back in the mid-to-late ’90s. I would watch that show, along with X-Files, with a group of friends. They came on every Sunday night. It was good times.

          I don’t assume anyone is familiar with such things as Myers-Briggs. It’s just a psychological theory and test based on Jungian typology. Jung wrote a book about the topic and then some later people systematized the ideas—Jung wasn’t particularly interested in systematizing anything, at least not to that extent.

          Typology (along with trait theory/research) mainly interests me for how it offers a language to speak about human experience that otherwise is lacking. Plus, there is some interesting research with on occasion intriguing results. I don’t go around typing people.

          It has a special place in my heart because of the time of life when I began studying it more carefully. It happened to coincide when I first began to spend more time on the internet. I found an INFP discussion board. It was amazing to find a large group of people gathered, even if only in cyberspace, who were similar to me in noticeable ways. I could say something odd and many others would understand where I was coming from.

          It was a sense of connection, in a world of disconnection.

          Psychology more generally has been a mixed experience for me. So, I understand your wariness. Years ago, I kept looking for a psychotherapist or psychiatrist who could help me. I never did find one.

          The problem was and is that my personal issues aren’t merely personal. They are natural responses to the society I live in. What I need is a Rat Park, in reference to the research that showed rats didn’t become addicted to available drugs when there was a healthy environment for them to live, play and socialize in. I just want to be a happy human-rat.

          Concept of the week? Yeah, I could be interested. My curiosity has a life of its own—I can’t predict where it will lead and what it will find. Sometimes a single topic will obsess my mind near continuously for weeks. Other things just pop up into my focus and then disappear.

          The quo warranto post was an example of the latter. It kept showing up in my readings in a random fashion and so I wrote a post just to make it go away. It took me about a day to research and write it, longer than I intended to spend on it but that was pretty quick work for me.

          I just can’t predict my curiosity. It’s not a reliable organ. I go through dry spells where nothing catches my attention or nothing of significance. At other times, I get preoccupied with life or other duties or simply distracted.

          The past week I was obsessing over the Clinton email scandal. It isn’t something that I care about on a personal level. But it seems important. I notice how many people have opinions without knowing much about what is actually involved. My sense of moral obligation and civic duty is compelling me to research and write about it, although I’d rather not. I spent much of the week and all of yesterday (from morning to nigh) digging through news reports, articles, blogs, interviews, and a Congressional Hearing.

          It was educational. I did, for example, learn about a legal term: legal first impression. It is one of those things that vaguely sounds familiar, but I couldn’t have told you anything about it before hearing it discussed in more detail. My dad mentioned it to me and I managed to track it down (in specific context) in a transcript of the the Congressional Hearing.

          Legal first impression basically means setting a precedence. There might already be a larger precedence that can be considered, but it’s the first time an issue comes up in a particular sphere of law or a particular court. So, it can lead to precedence in a specific kind of case.

          In the Clinton email case, it was a situation being treated as unique, although there were arguments about how unique it actually is. What is unique is how it is being handled. The FBI directory was redefining gross negligence in a way it isn’t defined in law, so as to argue indictment isn’t applicable. He claimed that there was no intent, but the very legal definition of gross negligence was framed to not require intent. So, although there were various precedence that could be invoked, some of the Congressional interrogators wondered if a legal first impression was being set in this case.

          Still, it’s kind of boring stuff. Only the human drama of it appeals to me. There is, of course, grand political significance to it—yet it feels like the same old shit, the precedence of the status quo and privilege.

          It does sort of relate back to the quo warranto post. The Congressional Hearing wasn’t just about a legal case. It was about legal process, political power and influence, governmental authority and legitimacy, and much else. The sad part is that it fell along predictable partisan lines, despite its importance going so far beyond that simplistic level of team sports.

          One genuinely could ask, by what right does any authority in our society operate? And what would forfeit that right—how far is too far, what is ultimately unacceptable not just by law but by the tradition of an aspiring free society?

          I’m always looking for a wedge to pry open what otherwise won’t budge. Or failing to get it open, to shine a light in through the cracks.

          That is what I see in something like quo warranto, the reason it catches in my craw and demands me to make sense of it. It’s more than just a legal term, the least interesting aspect of it. Most basically, it’s just a question, a very simple albeit powerful question. It cuts to the heart of so many issues. Yet it isn’t something that normally attracts much attention. The claims of states rights, in particular, is the purview of right-wing loons. It’s not a respectable topic, asking authority by what right it rules.

          I’m glad you liked the post. I sometimes wonder why I write such things. It’s not always clear to me, while writing, that anyone else will see much of value in a particular topic. Making an obscure legal term interesting is no easy task.

          • Semantics is definitely a problem in America. Before anyone can even tackle the problem of rational discourse, the issues of taxonomy and nomenclature has to be addressed along with the narrative issues because the American lexicon (politically, socially, economically, you name it) is just too broken at this point in my humble opinion. Too many times have I found myself arguing a point with individuals who cannot even define the words being used let alone the concepts, at which point the conversation becomes an exercise in futility.

            Myers-Briggs as a model for Jungian typology…brilliant! Finally someone who can put the Myers-Briggs into a construct that is palatable as oppose to abhorrent 🙂 I can’t tell you how long I’ve had a visceral “allergic” reaction to the Myers-Briggs because it has always been presented to me as a means of labeling a person by those who were scientifically illiterate. The way you explained it actually makes sense now…it is a modality to frame complex factors that influence behavior. I might be stretching the metaphor but in some way maybe it can be viewed as the epigenetics of cognitive behavior.

            From a legal scholarly perspective, the Clinton email scandal is quite fascinating. John C. Wright has some interesting things to say about it as well given his legal background:


            He has also inspired the current concept I find myself obsessing over: the Gell-Mann Amnesia Effect


            There is definitely an ebb and flow to my curiosity as well. And again, I would speculate there is sufficient evidence to suggest that is the way normal human brains have evolved to work regardless of what mainstream society has brainwashed everyone else into thinking in their attempts to make Ritalin induced behavior/concentration the status quo,

            But going back to quo warranto. Agreed, the Clinton email issue is very multifaceted. As you pointed out, it is just as much about procedure, jurisprudence and jurisdiction. And one wonders why there is no trust in government anymore when its legitimacy is so obviously in doubt.

          • The more I think about the Clinton email case the less I want to write a post about it. I’m tired of it. I’m mostly tired of how little interest people have in informing themselves about it. And so I’m tired trying to inform people. It seems so pointless.

            There is another post I’ve been researching and writing. It’s turned out to be quite difficult, as often happens. It’s about language and perception, specifically in terms of color.

            It goes back to the odd fact that in the earliest languages there is no word for the color blue. The earliest societies don’t even seem to have a concept for ‘color’, as it is never considered separately from all other aspects. Ancient people tended to think and speak (and one suspects perceive) concretely and holistically, i.e., not breaking things down into numerous detailed abstract categories.

            That is a thousand time more worthy of my time than yet more political stupidity and inanity. I wish I was better at staying focused on what most interests me. There is too much going on in the world and it feels overwhelming, and not in a good way.

  5. There does seem to be a point for me (which shortens every year) at which the spin, double-talk, anecdotal hearsay, conjecture, politicking, posturing, hubris, legalese, scripting, memes, misinformation, the antithetical white noise in which transcendental thoughts drown become an overwhelming din of “wah wah, wah wah.”


    While pondering your thoughts about language, perception, concrete and holistic expression, my mind kept on picturing the Monolith from 2001, which is ironic since the film is full of abstractions. And yet the Monolith to me in its simplicity is the epitome of understanding without unnecessary complexity. It is not bound by time and space and by the finite needs of language to communicate understanding.

    Quo warranto is magnificent. It is a work of art and I am not one for mere platitudes. To have it fall on deaf ears is disheartening. And so our literary ancestors haunt the night seeking their graves of bedtime stories in a state of unrest,

  6. I can’t say that I feel exactly the way you have, but it does hit a note. Especially about connection with others. I was searching for “I just want to live my life the way I want to” and your article came up first. I’m an INFJ, and being different is quite normal for us. I think you may benefit, as I have, from looking into the way you view and experience the world… Try personalityhacker.com.

    • This post simply expressed something I felt during a period of my life. I’m in a different place at present.

      Even so, I suppose there is an essence of truth in this post that remains the same. I’m still fundamentally the same person, such as being no less of an INFP now than years ago. I’m also still severely depressed, but it is managed to the extent such things can be managed.

      Thanks for recommending the link. But my problem certainly isn’t a lack of looking into the way I view and experience the world. If anything, I obsessively spend too much time and energy on looking into such things. On a personal level, I’ve come more to an attitude of acceptance. As Popeye the Sailorman said, I yam what I yam.

Please read Comment Policy before commenting.

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s