Probably – A Disillusioning Aniboom Animation by Kate Anderson

Marmalade’s Meandering Mind

Posted on Jan 7th, 2009 by Marmalade

Here are the things my mind was contemplating this fine evening…

I was walking home with an empty aluminum can that had a screw-on lid.  As it was cold, the air in the can took up less space.  The can contracted into the shape of a square.  That amused me for some reason.  Why did a round shape contract into 4 sides rather than 3 sides or 5 sides?  This incites my child-like curiosity… for whatever that is worth.

Another mildly interesting observation….

While still at work, I was talking to my boss.  His son has a learning disability.  I asked him about it.  His description of his son could just as well have described me as a child.  His son… has recall issues with words and facts (such as abstractions like dates and phone numbers), has good spatial ability in figuring out mazes, does math by breaking down numbers, and likes nature which he enjoys learning about (meaning he can remember certain types of facts that traditional schooling doesn’t care about).  What was particularly interesting about this is that my boss reminds me almost exactly of my mom, and deals with his son’s disability as my mom did. 

Its strange how humans fall into similar patterns as individuals and also in relationships.  Is there a connection to why a parent like him (and like my mom) might have a child like his son (and like me)?

Okay, next thought…

I started reading a new fiction book: Pandemonium by Daryl Gregory.  I picked it up because it plays off the idea of VALIS from Philip K. Dick.  Anyways, the character hears these sounds that no one else hears, and even he has a hard time of explaining the sounds themselves as they aren’t normal.  It reminded me of certain experiences I’ve had.  I don’t hear unusual sounds or anything, but I’ve had many experiences that are hard to describe.

I don’t know about other people’s experience.  I’d guess that everybody has experiences that aren’t easily described, and probably for that reason most people don’t try to describe them or maybe even try to think about them.  Its easier to just ignore the unusual.

So, about my experiences… I’ve had certain experiences that are very specific.  I’ve had these experiences at different times of my life but not very often.  However, every time I experience them, I very clearly recognize them and remember having had them before.  The thing is that its hard to recall these experiences when I’m not having them.  They are state-specific memories of specific states of experience.

At this moment, I only vaguely recall one of these types of experiences.  The closest I can come to describe it is that its like what I’ve felt while under the influence of Nitrous Oxide.  Its a cool buzzing sensation as if I were a contracted cloud of energy… or something like that.  I have no clue where this experience comes from.  I don’t even remember the last time I experienced it… maybe several years.  It doesn’t seem to have any rhyme or reason, no explanation or cause.  Its just there and then its not.

And the last thought…

For some reason, I was thinking about audio book services.  Finding some spoken word on Rhapsody and Last FM reminded me of how much I enjoy listening to people read.  Its the main reason I fell in love with Burroughs work.  He has an awesome voice.

There is a demand for audio book services.  There are many services, but they’re not very innovative compared to the music and movie industries.  Why is that?  My favorite movie service is Netflix and my favorite music service is Rhapsody.  Why isn’t there a audio book service that compares to either of these?

I’d be willing to pay for such a service if it was comparable to Netflix or Rhapsody.  So, why isn’t any company willing to offer it?  Why does this industry lag behind all others?  Is there just not enough demand?  Am I unusual?  Are most consumers of audio books happy with services that compare to where the music industry was 5 to 10 years ago?

Here I am just wanting to give my money away to some company.  Yet, no company seems to want my money enough.  Well… their loss… fine, I’ll just keep my money.  Ha!

That is the end of today’s broadcast.  Tune in next time for more deep insights and probing observations of life.

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Tagged with: deep thoughts, observation, curiosity, wonder, life, experience

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about 3 hours later

Centria said

 

Ben, it feels like you’re in a really creative open period of your life right now. Is that true? You’re branching into fiction and flash fiction and meandering. I am smiling to see this energy coming out in different directions. Have fun!

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about 6 hours later

Nicole said

 

yes, it’s a delight to see your curious mind exploring

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about 11 hours later

Marmalade said

 

Creative open period? It does sorta seem that way going by my recent blogs. I hadn’t really thought about it. I just felt like blogging and so I did. I do feel a bit more free in my blogging.

This is the result of something in particular. I decided to refocus on my own blogging a while back. Then the holidays hit and I had a bunch of free time. In refocusing on blogging, I also refocused on looking at other sites to blog at. In considering all my options, it reminded me of what I wanted out of my own blogging.

I felt somewhat restrained about my blogging in the past. For isntance, I felt reluctant to blog about my interest in horror here on Gaia as its not exactly a horror-embracing community. However, I can only be creatively free if my curiosity is free which means free also to explore the dark side of life. Now that I let my dark side show more, my light (and silly) side will also show itself more again. The two sides of me are inseparable… can’t have one without the other.

I was glad to return to fiction finally. The thinking about horror helped with this also. I’m not sure exactly why that was. Maybe its because horror is a good meeting ground between fiction and nonfiction, and so was useful as a means of transition.

The recent fiction sort of came out of the blue. My mind had been on fiction, but I hadn’t thought about either of those stories before writing them. With both stories, an image popped in my mind and I wrote the whole story down immediately.

The creative juices seem to be flowing. I was born in the winter time (December). Winter, like the night time, focuses me on more introverted activities such as writing.

Where in your life do you follow your heart?

Posted on Apr 12th, 2008 by Marmalade

This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for April 12, 2008:

 

There are only two times that I feel fully in my heart, but I don’t know if that means I’m following my heart.  Those two times are when I’m meditating and when I’m walking alone in nature.  However, if I spend enough time in these activities, then I can feel more fully in my heart at other times.  When in the right mood, I can listen to and through my heart while at work.  I have a job where I interact with many people, and interacting with people can help me to get out of my head.

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Tagged with: QaR, heart, love, intuition, life, calling

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about 1 hour later

ohmsmom said

 

those quiet walks in the woods do it for me too!

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about 2 hours later

Nicole said

 

this is fantastic, my friend

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about 4 hours later

victoria said

 

I forgot who it was that mentioned that getting from our head into our heart is a small but critical 18 inch journey…happy to know you have made the jump !

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about 9 hours later

Marmalade said

 

I wasn’t expecting several comments to be waiting for me.  I guess following one’s heart is a popular subject.  Yeah, Victoria, I’ve made that jump… back and forth many times.  : )

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about 19 hours later

Nicole said

 

didn’t you find that it was harder at first to go from head to heart, but gets easier and easier all the time? like anything, it’s a question of practice…

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about 23 hours later

Marmalade said

 

It is easier than it once was to move from my head to my heart, but I still find it challenging.  Its not only challenging in moving into the heart, but also in remaining centered there.  And its challenging in what I’ve discovered there, its challenging in seeing the world from there, of relating from there.

Yes, its a question of practice, but maybe its more simply a matter of patience.  When entering the realm of the heart we’re touching upon something greater than us as individuals.  Essentially, practice is only useful to the degree that it creates an openess for that Other to enter, to the degree that it creates a space for that Other to reside.

In a sense, I’m not sure it ever entirely becomes easier.  As we open more to compassion, the more we become open to the suffering that we normally hide from.  The challenge of the heart never ends.  It just changes form.

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2 days later

Nicole said

 

that’s very insightful, as always… yes it changes and in a way gets more challenging as it deepens and as we become more compassionate and encounter the shadow more frankly. patience is indeed an important factor, a quality with which i am not naturally blessed but which i am slowly learning with the help and support of my friends. joy and blessings

Death: PKD, WSB, & Derrick Jensen

Fred: D… Substance D. “D” is dumbness, and despair, desertion-desertion of you from your friends, your friends from you, everyone from everyone. Isolation and loneliness… and hating and suspecting each other, “D” is finally death. Slow death from the head down. Well… that’s it.

Why does Control need humans, as you call them?
Answer: Wait… wait! Time, a landing field. Death needs time like a junkie needs junk.
And what does Death need time for?
Answer: The answer is sooo simple. Death needs time for what it kills to grow in, for Ah Pook’s sake.

The conversion of the living to the dead has been converted from a moral, human, question into a technical problem to be solved, and, if at all possible, profited from.
 ~ Derrick Jensen, The Culture of Make Believe (p 568)

New-Path resident: Living and unliving things are exchanging properties.
Second New-Path resident: The drive of unliving things is stronger than the drive of living things.
Freck as New-Path resident: The living should never be used to serve the purposes of the dead. But the dead should, if possible… serve the purposes of the living.

Fred: I saw death rising from the earth, from the ground itself, in one blue field.