I was thinking about how my mind works in response to two related things.
I was reading some of Tim Boucher’s writings on his site. I visit his site every so often partly because he comes up in many web searches as he happens to share many of my same interests: Jung, Philip K. Dick, Ken Wilber, Joseph Campbell, Gnosticism, conspiracy theory, mythology, psychology, etc. I agree with much of Boucher’s ideas. In his thinking, he is analytical, imaginative, and curious. Also, he normally is fairly critical of anything New Agey and I can be similarly critical.
But then I came across his post What The Hell Happened To Me? which is different than his typical writing. This was shortly after a period (August 2005 to October 1007) when he had questioned deeply and had a difficult time, and I guess he had come to a new insight. My response to this post was a combination of surprise and irritation. In that post, he claims to have overcome suffering which is fine and dandy. But the damn post sounds like an advertisement for a New Age self-help program. I sensed no deep insight, no authenticity. I was disappointed that Boucher had turned to the light side. I’m not unhappy for his happiness. I just would hate for someone with such a great intellect to lose his edge.
My point isn’t to complain about Boucher, but to describe my reaction. And then compare it to my reaction to something else.
A couple of weeks ago, a co-worker told me about a girl at a local highschool who killed herself. My immediate response wasn’t sadness. I was… what’s the proper word… not quite glad but I did feel something akin to a positive emotion. Let me explain.
I’ve suffered depression for decades now. I’ve felt suicidal many times over the years and even attempted once. I don’t take it lightly, and I doubt the girl did either. Committing suicide is immensely difficult. The average successful suicide usually comes after many many attempts. You have to really want to die which means you have to be really suffering. It’s true that suffering doesn’t always last. However, this girl was young… and if she was already suffering this much at this young of an age, then there was a very good chance that life wasn’t going to get easier.
I was “glad” that she escaped a life of potentially great suffering. Anyone who has experienced long-term severe depression realizes how life can become a personal hell. Some say suicide is selfish and I say bullshit. It’s the ultimate act of self-negation. Nobody wants to die. A suicidal person simply doesn’t want to suffer and everyone has their breaking point. Yes, I’m sorry that life was so sad for her and I’m sorry about how her family must feel, but I’m not sorry that her suffering in this world is now at an end. And if there is an afterlife, I hope it’s much better.
Boucher claims that suffering isn’t a real emotion, that we weren’t sent here to suffer. Sure, sure. I’m glad that Boucher’s suffering went away, but it doesn’t always go away for everyone, probably not even for most people… and he shouldn’t feel so sure that suffering will never come back for him. The position that suffering is unnecessary can be one of the most cruel beliefs because then people just blame themselves. The fact is that humans suffer. Sometimes suffering becomes less and sometimes it becomes worse… just like any other experience in life. Boucher has suffered in the past and so he thinks he understands, but he is in no position to judge the suffering of all of mankind. Many gurus and prophets have denied suffering. Such people (and their claims) come and go, and yet suffering continues.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: suffering, suicide, Tim Boucher
Tim Boucher noticed this here blog post and responded to it:
http://www.timboucher.com/journal/2009/05/10/the-end-of-suffering/
And here is my response in return:
Yeah, fuck that guy… oh wait, I am that guy. lol
Vindictiveness, control. I’m sure some people attempt suicide for these reasons and many other reasons as well.
When I attempted suicide, it was simply for feeling trapped and desparate, feeling as if there was no solution to my problems. I don’t think I was feeling vindictive, but I certainly was seeking control in my life… control in the sense of a desire for some action that would eliminate or at least lessen my suffering, a desire for a choice that would give my life meaning.
In my blog, I was partly just arguing against making generalized statements about suffering. Tim is free to speak of his own suffering, but I suspect there is a severe limit to the degree we can speak about the suffering of others. To me, human experience in general and suffering in particular is largely a mystery.
That said, I may have been overly critical of Tim. I more or less understand his view on suffering. I was raised in New Thought Christianity and so part of me is attracted to this attitude. However, decades of struggling with severe depression has dampened my New Age idealism. I don’t know what is true, but like Tim I can only go by my own experience.
I’ve had various spiritual practices (and spiritual experiences) over the years. I’ve attempted to have a positive attitude and be proactive in my life. I’ve done therapy and medications. I’ve volunteered and exercised. And yet my life has continued to be a struggle. So, I don’t know.
If whatever Tim has done works for him, then more power to him. I was only pointing out that his experience might not apply to everyone. But maybe I’m just being cynical and suffering really is unnecessary. I genuinely can say that I hope so.
Hi marm
How’s it going?
Same as you i think. Keep trudging, trudging meaning walking with purpose here. At least if you do it that will make one of us
Yeah. I suppose my life sometimes feels like trudging with purpose… or something like that. You don’t sound too excited about life not that I’m one to talk. Have you at least been keeping yourself occupied?
Tim,
“(1) Holding onto your suffering brings more suffering.”
Suffering is just an experience. Like any experience, you can hold onto it or deny it or any number of other possibilities. When in the right mindset, I prefer to simply witness it.
“(2) When you define yourself according to how much you’ve suffered, it becomes a contest to see who can hurt more and who can spew more blood on the next guy.”
Sure, anything can be a contest. You can define yourself as being more together than others. Defining yourself according to any single experience can be problematic. We aren’t our experiences which includes the full spectrum from suffering to joy.
“It becomes a cycle of emotional violence at a certain point, where suffering must be offloaded and shared with everyone around you, (but what if they’ve suffered more than you can imagine?) – either that, or you can let it wither on the vine.”
Or it can simply be experienced. Both repressed and projected suffering can be emotional violence, but there is nothing fundamentally violent about the experience of suffering in and of itself.
What if they’ve suffered more than you can imagine? Well, that is basically my point. You can only understand to a very limited degree the experience of others. This is why I was arguing against generalized statements.
As for withering on the vine, I can’t say I disagree. Experiences come and go. The attitude I strive for is acceptance which is based in a sense of faith. To me, the desire to make suffering go away seems to miss the heart of the issue. However, my ability to articulate this understanding is minimal.
“Heaven on earth, I believe, is perceptually possible.”
Yes, this touches upon the heart of the issue. I guess it depends on what this means. I do sense something truly good in the world, but this deeper sense of goodness seems to me to be a goodness beyond the hopes and concepts of our normal experience. This goodness, as I intuit it, isn’t at odds with human suffering.
“It, however, requires great discipline and unbounded joy given away freely to others with no expectation of reciprocation.”
I’m not sure what to say to this. I’m not exactly sure what this means to you. And I don’t know your life experience. The words ‘discipline’ and ‘joy’ can mean many things to many people.
I tend to equate discipline with effort. Opposite of this, I tend to equate heaven on earth as an insight received through grace.
As for joy, I see it as just one extreme on a spectrum of emotions. I personally don’t find it helpful to say suffering isn’t real and joy is real. They’re both just emotions. On this issue, I’m attracted to a more Eastern attitude of neutral mindfulness combined with openminded curiosity.
Anyways, this is just what makes sense to me based on my own experience and study, my own experimentation and practice. If it doesn’t make sense to you, then that is just the way it is.